A Ramble of Confusing Thoughts

First of all, I'd like to say Happy New Year! Oh and happy belated Hanukhah (which ended on the 30th)

Well, I hung out with four friends on Sunday (the 28th), two from my old school, Challenger, and two from my new school, Piedmont. =D It actually went pretty well! Although over half the people I invited didn't show up, -.- it was still fun =] We went bowling three games and then played pool; after Claire and Ryan left, (the Piedmont people) I just talked and talked to keep up with the times with Vincent and Jeffrey.

Oh right, and before that, on the 27th, the day before the gathering, I helped Ryan get a X-mas present for Claire. Yup, it was hysterical; I told him I was gonna say it was for my mom, hypothetically, but he took it seriously, and when when was our turn at the kiosk (at Kohl's) I just blurted out "My friend's buying this" and she was all like can your friend speak for himself? so he turned red and said it was for his girlfriend XD I started laughing reeaallly hard, and the kiosk lady and another lady both said AWWWWW and one of 'em said "I didn't get jewellry 'til I got married" The whole thing was hilarious; I shoulda videotaped it ;D

And yesterday, my mom bought a new TV for my dad, and they had trouble setting it up, and a fight erupted over which way was the right way... Kind of silly, really, getting frustrated over television.

And today, Raymond and Winnie (friend, and in Physics, Alg 2, PE, and English Class) (Wow shes in almost all my classes; didn't notice 'til now > <) came over to do our Physics Project; took us about 2 1/2 hours (we are supposed to be making a home-made thermos, or heat saver) then played Super Smash Bros Brawl =D for about an hour. Then Winnie left, and Raymond helped me out on Marvel: Ultimate Alliance =P Then he left at 4:45 PM And through-out, since the 29th, I've been feeling icky. Itchy, tired, & sick, with no appetite, thanks to prednisone -.- Ive felt better when I'm NOT alone with my mom and dad; I feel easily irritated by them... *sigh* To think I get upset over such trivial matters... Yeaup, I'm a spoiled brat all right... PS Sorry that the gap between this and my last post were so long > <>

The Coming of New Experiences

Wow, for those of you reading, I'm sorry for the inconsistent posts; I just type whenever something interesting pops into my head, or when something troubles me, and I have the urge to write it out >.< Anyways.......


Feliz Navidad! Or for those of you that don't know Spanish, Merry Christmas!!

Welllllll, my Christmas was uneventful; just stayed home, played PS3, DS, and watched TV. =P
Oh and I've resumed my Runescape playing; and Funorb too =D (Both by Jagex)

As the year draws to a close, we make resolutions, to better ourselves, to change.

Ahh, change. Some fear it, others relish it. As time goes on, and the years float on by, change happens, to anything and everything...

Wow am I off-topic! More on "change" (and 'change we can believe in' ;D) at another time.
Drawing back to what I was supposed to type, a thing happened on Christmas Eve. I went to my cousin's house, and just chilled. And then my aunt drove me to my grandpa's grave. How can I put the experience into words...?

Melancholy? Bliss? Solemnity? Maybe all of those, and then some. Not many families were there; it was pretty cold and windy. As we drove up, I saw the tombstone. I was at a loss for words. [(He died of a heart attack when I was 5, I only remember a couple moments from back then.) (I wonder why people use the term "passed away" instead of "died"? To make the even more peaceful?)] I walked up to the the stone, and just stood there, staring. Then I closed my eyes, and I just, thought, boy, how would life be like if you were still there, Gramps? I thought of all the missed, forgotten events. And I talked... different from a conversation or a prayer, a true sense of connecting.


For the first time in my life, I truly wondered: what is there after we die? Do we cast away our flesh and bone to reveal our souls, drifting to Heaven, or dragged to Hell? Or do we just remain as spirits on this Earth, alive in a sense, but unable to do anything? Or is it like a sleep we never wake from, dark and calm?

What is my Grandpa doing? Is he somewhere in a different dimension? Watching over my family like some angel? Or just watching...?


Humanity has pondered this over and over again: what happens when we die? Many create religion to soothe us, that there is something better than this life, something to look forward to. If this were our only life, our only adventure, story, would we just "eat, drink, and be merry", philander, and die a short but joyous life? Is there a meaning, a 'greater truth' to it all, man just too short-sighted to see the big picture?


Questioning, pondering, wondering...

Last Day of School of the Year

Ahh.. This week was awesommee!! (Sort of)

Yesterday. The thing I talked about the most? POKEMON.
I was reminiscing about Gold, Silver, and Crystal; how Kurt made those Pokeballs from berries, how we could get SIXTEEN, yes 16 badges in those games!! The Bug-Catching Contest, Red Gyarados, and Red in Mt. Silver. =P

Then in PE Raymond challenged me to a contest; who could name the most Pokemon? Of course, I won ;D (We went up to like 170) But while we were naming them, Thu (classmate in English) goes and shouts "Hey, Nicholas! It's Anabelle!" I mean, seriously, MUST you point that out?! I know it's her... Mind you, she was looking away (and looking embarassed) D= Like... yeah, kinda uncomfortable.
I wonder how it got out...> < too ="D" sure ="/"> <

And in Algebra 2 class I failed (75... and it was multiple choice too :(
Speaking of which, everyone EXPECTS me to be smart. I'm not, period. Just because I wear glasses, I mean, really. -.- I'm failing MATH!! I only tend to read a lot so I dunno why people would think I'm smart...

And as the year draws to a close, we celebrate many holidays: Winter Solstice, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Hannukhah. All from different religions.
Which religion is the right, or true, one? Is religion even correct? If so, which religion should we follow, does one contain the absolute truth, or do all contain pieces of a greater truth?

PS Hurray for first comment!! I'm like reeeellly lonely so like, chat with me =3 AIM is Puresilence3 or just leave more comments ;D

Life goes on...

As Christmas inches closer and closer, I still have no idea what to get Darren/Tyler... They say they don't want me to get anything for them, but that's what everyone says... =*

Yep, the White Elephant Gift Exchange was cancelled due to lack of participation... I'm more hung over the fact that no one gave a damn than that I lost a bet to Steven and Steven...

My weekend was purty good. I went to Barnes and Nobles and bought some of my gifts for friends. (Calvin liked the book =]) On Sunday, church, then I went to Valley Fair to buy Raymond's gift. (In case you're reading this, I shall NOT disclose the present until Friday ;D)Later chilled at Calvin's house, listened to music and to his reminiscing of MCS, and then played Rock Band.

Hurray that this is the last week of school for the year XD !!!! w00t!! And rally on Friday =3

Plus, my grades are crawling up slowly :P


And yet...

Life goes on. It will go on when I graduate, when I get married, have children, retire, die. It will go on despite the death of hundreds, the birth of thousands. Life will go on to the countless march of time; nothing can escape the ravages of time.

Although this is my life, it is not really important in the grand scheme of things. If I were to suicide at this moment, people would grieve, some would be happy, those I know would be affected. Yet eventually I would be forgotten, like all people. Life, time. They will go on despite my death. Despite the end of humanity, of earth. Time would still go on...

So what are we to do? Many have tried to discover the meaning of life. Some say it is to contribute to society, other to make a mark, to try to escape the eventual fact that all things are never lasting. People say to try and MAKE yourself not forgotten, or to let those around you experience true happiness.


Yet Life goes on...

X-mas Cheer My A$$... (finally a normal post :P)

Exactly what my post says...

You try to organize a white elephant gift exchange, and what do you get?
"No"
"Shut the F*** up!"
"I'll think about it"
"Retard"


Exactly that... -.- I guess I'll just cancel, then. Mind you, not that many people joined actually, 8 people total...

Oh and I guess I lost the bet... (I made a bet with two Stevens that I could get 20 people on the list before the 18th, but now I just think I'll drop dead...
I'm still gonna embody the Christmas spirit tho' :)

Hmm... my wallet's gonna be reaaal empty past Dec. 25th...

Yup, so like X-mas cheer, spirit, enthusiasm, etc is all but dead at my school... -.-


Oh I hung out at the library; it was just me and Ryan, and then Darren, and then Raymond joined us, and finally Alvin cam around 4:50. Ooh Sydney was there for a while too. Quite a part there... =3 (Sydney and Alvin are awesomme, and is in my Physics & Alg. 2 class, and English & Alg. 2 class, respectively.)
Yup, it was awesommeee...

Love, Hate, Compassion

OK, let's start with hate, to get it out of the way.

There's a skinny shrimp, Cody Miller, at Piedmont Hills High School. He's a charming young fellow, and by charming young fellow i mean bloody bastard. Uggh I want to stick each of his internal organs with 1000 needles. He likes to pick fights for no reason, incite racial slurs, and the thing is, he can't take a punch. He messes up people because they just tend to ignore him, so he takes advantage of that. He skips class almost every other day, and struts like a peacock. As Raymond suggested, I think we should have a "Maim, injure, or kill Cody" holiday, during the last day of school. =D

Now that I've gotten my rant out of the way let's move on.



Ahh, the ache, the pain, the angst, of unrequited love. (I'm leaving the definition of "love" to you readers =P) As much as the pain of a severed arm, when one loves, and it is not reciprocated, it hurts so... Of course, I'm not talking about me, I'm not that love-struck, if at all =3 (<-- i like this smiley =D) It's just excruciating, when you truly care for someone, and they don't give a damn...

Now a question to all you readers: what is it like to be in a relationship? Is it the joy of spending time with someone? The lust of physical romance, to express that burning passion? Or to savor all those little things, that walk on the beach, when she lays your head on her shoulder, her faint aroma wafting into your nostrils. (yes, I've read romance novels, no it's not twilight) I truly wonder... And what happens when you're in one, and then not? Do you feel as if you can't go on living, or do you try to replace what you've lost?

I'm still contemplating, but for now I just think its something magical...
Of course, you can't miss what you've never had, but still...



Lastly, compassion. As Winter Break, and Christmas, draw nearer, we think about what we're going to give to our friends, our relatives. Sure, its nice to receive that plush bear or Itunes card, but its the thought that counts. :) As long as they've tried, don't be disappointed, and other people probably have it worse than you. =3 ( <--- just awesome :D) I see so many people worried that they can't afford to buy presents for their friends, or how a certain person might feel if they didn't a present from them. Its nice, that man really cares for one another. The spirit of Christmas sure does bring out the best in many.

Ooh, on a personal note, I'm trying to throw together a White Elephant Gift Exchange; its going pretty well :)
And can't wait for Vincent's party! XD ('tho I'm still not sure if im invited =x)

PS It may seem unusual that I am jumping from one topic to another, but don't be alarmed; that'ts just me. I'm a pretty random, if not deep, kinda person. ;D Thanks for reading =]

What is Love...?

What is love
Oh baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more
Oh, baby don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more

And yes, I know that is the opening verse to the song "What is Love?" by Haddaway.


But seriously, what is "love"? And where to begin...?
Is it a series of chemical imbalances in your brain? Or is it an actual bond, an emotion?

It seems that love is a flame of passion: two kinds of passion, actually.

One burns like "the intensity of a thousand white-hot suns", the kind that dies out within 1-2 years. This is the kind that many, if not most, adolescents probably suffer from. Its feelings are mainly due to a physical attraction, maybe a few similarities to bond together with. It doesn't get much deeper than that...

The second passion is like a clear, bright flame. It burns steadily, and never flickers. Its the kind that senior citizens have, when they're married for 20+ years, spending the rest of their golden years together. The "love" that you get with your "soulmate", if there is such a thing.

Uhmm so yeah. You clearly don't want the first kind. The second kind seems deeper, like it transcends your soul. A profound sense of being you get when you are with that certain person. Am I saying that there really is such a thing as love? Scientifically speaking, ALL emotion is caused due to chemical imbalances, so no. Anger? Testosterone. Fear? Adrenaline. But not everything can be explained with scientific fact. Conclusively, I do think love is like a fire. It flares up when you see that special someone, if you nurture it, it grows; if you neglect it, it dies out.

Now why am I talking about this? Mainly because I'm in high school, where I see people showing their infatuation physically towards one another. But also because society itself talks about it so much. At least 90% of all songs probably have something to do with love, relationships, etc. It's even on the news all the time. THIS JUST IN! (Insert Famous Celebrity here) just broke up with (insert another Famous Celebrity)!!

And what about brotherly love? The kind you share with friends, family, compadres? Is that different too? Is there a different flame for it? Or is it not a flame altogether, but something else?

In conclusion, can you really say "I love you" when you might not even know what it is?

Unleash your Inner Nerd!!!

Well I thought I'd post once more today, to try and break that last emo post.

About my Inner Nerd:

I LOVE to sing. OUT LOUD! Awesome, no? Funnily enough, people find me ANNOYING?! *gasp* Me, annoying?
I go for variety, too. A little Beach Boys, BeeGees, John Lennon, maybe some Barry Manilow thrown in now and again. Who doesn't love the classics, right?



I'm so into Pokemon. =D Yesh, quite embarassing for a high schooler, eh? WRONG!! I still collect Pokemon cards, and I've beaten all the games to come out. The show is quite retarded tho'. Favorite one? Charizard, of course! Fire-breathing, magma dragons PWN!


I'm an Otaku. Huzzah for One Piece, Death Note, Naruto, Bleach, YuYu Hakusho, D. Gray Man, Hunter x Hunter, Katekyo Hitman Reborn!, Bakuman, and many, many, more. I love reading them, but I think hanging up those posters, buying clothes and backpacks and all that swag is kinda going overboard.


Wow, OK, so maybe this last part doesn't mesh well with the rest of the post, but hey, I gotta put it somewhere. I went to Piedmont's homecoming about a month ago. What was there, perchance? Grinding, grinding, and guess what? More grinding! I was actually expecting some class. Maybe some rhumba, cha cha, and waltzes through-out. Whatever happened to swing anyways? I hope there's SOME place where you can actually dance, instead of... well you know what I mean...

Gloom, Doom, and... Something...

You're probably wondering about the strange title, eh? Hmm where to start..?

I just broke down today, crying and whatnot. Maybe its the steroids talking but, my life is kinda getting screwed up...

My mom found out about my C+ in Algebra 2 so I'm gonna have to get a tutor. I attribute this to my chemo treatments since I now lose track of what I'm thinking. A lot. Am I getting dementia? Who knows? Wait, what did I just type??!

I missed school for the third time this week, b/c of my meds. I honestly have no idea where life is gonna take me. I act out with bravado and swagger, saying I'm going to be an Avianbiologist, and minor in Finance and Economics, maybe go to Stanford, or Princeton. Who am I kidding? My grades are in free-fall, and if I can't pass my freshman year, how the hell can I go all 4 years...? Worse, my body's never gonna be the samenot as strong as the average Joe's so I don't think I can work a 40 hour week like all those other Americans.

As said before, I made lots of new friends at Piedmont. But what about my old ones? Thinking back to what one of my fellow bloggers wrote, we just stick together to hold on to the past, afraid to let go and forge our own paths(or something like that, chemo-brain remember?). Well to me that hits the gold. I talk to my Challenger friends on Aim now and again, but every month it seems we talk less and less. Why is it that people remember their high school + college buddies, but not their middle school ones? I just don't want to drift apart, they're all awesome...

Intro

Well hello there! My name is Nicholas Lee, but you probably know that if you're reading my blog!

If you don't, I attend Piedmont Hills High School as a Freshmeat. One of my best friends, Ryan encouraged me to start a blog. I think its a good place to vent =]

Ok well here's my life in a nutshell:

1 I've had leukemia since July of '06 and been sick till July of '08. My doctor finally changed my meds and now i can live a somewhat normal life. Sure, my stamina still sucks, I fall down a lot, and Im chubby and short because of my chemo + steroids, but it still beats throwing up every day, stuck at home.

2 Im an only child, and contrary to popular belief, single childrens are NOT anti-social, although I do feel lonely quite often, which is why Im so outgoing. =D

3 My friends are AWESOME!! They don't smoke, drink, or drug out in any way, but besides that, they support in every way possible =] Since Pre-K I've attended Challenger Meridian/Shawnee, and met awesome people, Jeffrey, Naman, Vincent, to name a few. And then I went to Challenger Berryessa; despite me being a new guy, they were just great and included me in about everything. (Although my meds weren't changed yet and so I basically skipped 7th + 8th grade b/c i was sick...) And now in Piedmont, I met Ryan (who you read about in the first sentence) who's tan, tall, and handsome and whom I can confide in my deep dark secrets(But sorry ladies he's already taken =D) Darren who loves fighting games and whatnot, Calvin, who's a lot like me, but we're NOT twins... Prof. Raymond (inside joke with Calvin) who's one of the most intelligent people I know AND plays water polo. Ooh and Tyler too =D Hes into Marvel stuff, playing guitar, and being cool B)

4 I dont HAVE a love life. How can this be?!?! Im smart, funny, and attractive!! D= (Scratch that last part) Lol, its all right, Ill live. In Challenger I liked Shannon Tran but now we're just friends; its cool. But now in Piedmont, I like a girl named Anabelle. I mean, sure, she told me never to talk to her again ( thru her friends) and she ignores me all the time now, but she's amazingg even if she doesn't know it herself=]

5 Well high school's awesome! I hang out with my friends all the time, I even made new friends like Claire, Jessica, and Alvin, to name a few (Even some of the upperclassmen =D). My grades are PGBGHHGTHTTTT though... I used to get As without even trying now I have a B and a C+... It sucks, I guess Ill just have to try now. (I put in just the effort needed to get by) My teachers rock my socks, 'cept for maybe Garcia (my health teacher); he yells a lot for no reason >.>

6 Well thats about it for my intro, if you've actually read the whole thing, you're either a friend, family, acquaintance, or online predator 0_o