Well, my mom got a call earlier tonight from the police; my dad's in the hospital...
He had an aneurysm, (something like a stroke) and the doctors are going to perform brain surgery tonight. . .
My mom's with him, so yeah. I dont know what to do or say right now...
It's odd; like son like father: I go to O'Connor hospital and am later transferred to Stanford; now my dad's the same way...
. . .I wish I had someone to talk to. . . My life's a mess, and sue and blasphemize me for calling me a hypocrite too. Yeah, when someone dies, the world goes on. Life goes on. But not that little world which they were a part of . Not that part of their loved ones, when they, suffer. Not all is unchanged. That little piece of the world that someone belongs to, when they die, that world becomes that more unbearable...
I feel like crying, yet not a drop is coming out. Maybe its because I cried when I first got leukemia, or when my dog died later. I'm drained of sorrow now; grampa died when I was 5, cancer at 12, and now dad might be going where my grandpa is, all this by age 14.
Forgive my gloom; I shouldn't really be saying this aloud, don't want to burden anyone. Shoulder this on my own, become stronger by it. And when it's all done, then I can shed a tear. Then I can look back at this and laugh. Or drown in my misery.. .. .. Augh I'm just blabbering, just so confused and wondering: What did I do to deserve any of this...?
Yeah, ok.
I'm crying now...
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Vague and Confusing and Everyday Stuffs
Have you ever heard of the expression "bitter seeds within a sweet apple"? Well, it's an expression now alright?
Its funny how some people treat people awesome, and you see them as cool and genuine people, but when they turn to YOU they treat you like trash, and look at you like a piece of fungi. (I'm not making much sense, am I?)
Well anywayyyys, let's just say that Person A treats Person B like his/her best friend, and then Person A meets Person C and is like "Who the **** are you?!"
I kinda think everyone is like that; they have a good side, and a bad side. (Hopefully the good side overpowers that bad part.) The good side shines towards friends and (most of the time) family, and bad side towards people, who, you just don't get along with.
(Yes, folks, even I have a bad side =o)
OK now that that's outta the way I'm gonna start bantering off things that piss me off:
Sarah Palin = Do not let me BEGIN with that woman...
Tim Geithner = Didn't see this whole subprime mortgage crisis coming AT ALL, and now he's Treasury Secretary... -.- (Plus with his tax-evasion stuff even though he made millions, and then shooting his mouth off of how China is manipulating its currency AT THE TIME WHEN WE NEED CHINA'S FINANCING THE MOST!!)
Way to go, American politicians... -.-"
OK well Ryan asked me today, how I can be cheery and happy and whatnot altho' I have leukemia, am short, annoying, and lack any physical prowess whatsoever. It's simple, really. Once you get into a life-threatening situation, you treasure life more. =]
*DISCLAIMER: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO GET INTO A LIFE-THREATENING SITUATION!!*
Oh that's also why emo people piss me off soooo much... They whine and complain about how their life sucks and they just wanna end it. LOOK, EMO PPLZ: GET OVER YOURSELFS!!
When you die, the person you hurt least is yourself...
Onto more mundance and everyday stuff:
My dear mother hired a tutor for Algebra 2... whoop-dee-doo... And I am supposed to go today or tomorrow...
Oh yeah I've been sick since last Tuesday and then last Friday I also got Chemotherapy at LPCH. (Vincristine, to be exact; and Prednisone from Friday thru tomorrow)
So that's about it...
PS From now on, I shall blog whenever I feel like it. It seems like I do that now, but I've tried to post every coupla days but, 1 I've gotten lazy and 2, I run out of things to say. So with that, I shall post whenever stuff comes up. And with that, I bid Adieu!
PPS (Boy my post-script sure is repetitive...)
Its funny how some people treat people awesome, and you see them as cool and genuine people, but when they turn to YOU they treat you like trash, and look at you like a piece of fungi. (I'm not making much sense, am I?)
Well anywayyyys, let's just say that Person A treats Person B like his/her best friend, and then Person A meets Person C and is like "Who the **** are you?!"
I kinda think everyone is like that; they have a good side, and a bad side. (Hopefully the good side overpowers that bad part.) The good side shines towards friends and (most of the time) family, and bad side towards people, who, you just don't get along with.
(Yes, folks, even I have a bad side =o)
OK now that that's outta the way I'm gonna start bantering off things that piss me off:
Sarah Palin = Do not let me BEGIN with that woman...
Tim Geithner = Didn't see this whole subprime mortgage crisis coming AT ALL, and now he's Treasury Secretary... -.- (Plus with his tax-evasion stuff even though he made millions, and then shooting his mouth off of how China is manipulating its currency AT THE TIME WHEN WE NEED CHINA'S FINANCING THE MOST!!)
Way to go, American politicians... -.-"
OK well Ryan asked me today, how I can be cheery and happy and whatnot altho' I have leukemia, am short, annoying, and lack any physical prowess whatsoever. It's simple, really. Once you get into a life-threatening situation, you treasure life more. =]
*DISCLAIMER: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO GET INTO A LIFE-THREATENING SITUATION!!*
Oh that's also why emo people piss me off soooo much... They whine and complain about how their life sucks and they just wanna end it. LOOK, EMO PPLZ: GET OVER YOURSELFS!!
When you die, the person you hurt least is yourself...
Onto more mundance and everyday stuff:
My dear mother hired a tutor for Algebra 2... whoop-dee-doo... And I am supposed to go today or tomorrow...
Oh yeah I've been sick since last Tuesday and then last Friday I also got Chemotherapy at LPCH. (Vincristine, to be exact; and Prednisone from Friday thru tomorrow)
So that's about it...
PS From now on, I shall blog whenever I feel like it. It seems like I do that now, but I've tried to post every coupla days but, 1 I've gotten lazy and 2, I run out of things to say. So with that, I shall post whenever stuff comes up. And with that, I bid Adieu!
PPS (Boy my post-script sure is repetitive...)
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Emo Cheese, Sunny Days, and Coins
(For being too lazy to post, I now announce a super long post as I jump from thought to thought that has been on mind for the last weeks)
Hmm, well here's the rundown on the past week or so:
flea market in Fremont (and got a cool letter opener :D),
Mom & Dad nagging me to study for finals,
frantically finishing homework at the last minute,
the three days of finals (and the awesome schedule that goes with it)
and just recently, a boring trip to a Chinese New Year's party (90% of everyone there was 60+)
and now we have a three-day weekend to look forward; well 2 day weekend now...
Well the last week just showed me up; the bright sun has cleared up my gloom =]
Altho' uneventful 'twas still enjoyable; just relaxation and finals. Now that they're over its a plus/minus. Plus: No more frantic studying, or worrying about grades; its a new semester!
Con: No more block schedule, so no more four hour days...
So the sunniness of the weather bodes well for the months to come, I hope.
Au contraire, even with finals being over, and sunny weather, WHY ARE PEOPLE EMO?!?!?!!
Being emo is SO overrated: Why hurt yourself? *Do not confuse being emo with being sad; being sad or miserable is perfectly fine as long as its not all or most of the time.*
Let's name 5 things you got:
1. Parents that give a damn about you
2. Food on the table
3. Be glad you're not livin' on the streets!
4. Be THANKFUL you ain't got cancer!
5. Awesome friends, clothes on your back, and an education.
I could name 95 more but I don't feel like it. =p I mean, seriously: EMO PPLZ, look at your life and compare it to a Darfur or Palestinian refugee, or a poor Peruvian farmer. Ain't it so much better? If you STILL feel emo, here's my number: 408 206 4247. I'm gonna shock it into non-existence! And seriously why do you hurt yourself? Do you get thrills from lacerating your arms and watching blood leak out of your skin? Or bashing your skull senseless against the wall?
NO that's not being emo, thats being a DUMB-ASS!
And by the way, suiciding is a lot harder than you think; oh sure, you wanna kill yourself, or shoot that guy who just pissed you off. But killing is a lot harder than you think, 'cuz you gots a conscience! That 'little voice inside'. And you do not know how it is to kill until you are ACTUALLY FACED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH SITUATION!! And thats when you realize how precious life is. One more thing, killing yourself doesnt erase the pain and suffering in you; it only passes it onto those who love and care for you: your family and friends.
Now that Rant 1 outta the way: Its RANDOM TOPIC SESSION. Aaaaand this random topic today is: CHEEEEEEZ! Cheese is made from sour milk, combined with rennet, then heated to high temperatures. It is then wrapped loosely and stored in an open-air place, with the air being cool and dry. And you know what happens next: it turns stinky and mold grows on it =o
For more information go to: www.cheese.com
What has two sides to it: both so different, like positive and negative, light and dark, yet both sides are part of the same whole? A coin. And people too. Hmm how can I put this..?
He/she has many friends, and is genuinely sociable, funny, and enjoyable to be around. But when confronted with someone that person does not know or does not feel comfortable with, they react with an unexpected hostility. Many people are like this, perhaps unknowingly. But try melding those two sides together, into a perfect sphere, and see what blossoms from that.
(If you don't know the people/person I am referring to, good =D)
Why, how, and when, do we grow up, to be mature? Society bounds us by laws and traditions, that one becomes an adult when they turn 16, or 18, depending on location. But when do we REALLY grow up? When, as they say, lose our innocence? When we realize that life ain't all its cracked up to be? Why? Because we must, to provide for our families, to realize a sense of understanding. How? As we encounter a life or death situation, or the passing of a loved one? Or any profound disaster, really.
Our parents influence that growth, too. They push us to become that doctor, or lawyer, ignoring our own dreams and repasts. They do it because themselves in us, so that if we become that surgeon, they will too. But we aren't them. Two pieces of a completely new and different whole. We search our own calling through the years, to seek and forge our own path, and along it, come to an understanding.
Society demands that we abide by their laws, and provide for society itself. But we are allowed to follow our own dreams, our ways, as long as in doing so it does not encroach on others'.
Now as for coming to an understanding that life is crappy, here are two quotes:
1. Life sucks. And then you die.
2. There are only two things certain in life: death and taxes.
So with such a gloomy outlook on things, what is there to hope for? (Of course we have religion and an after-life, hopefully, but asides that) What comes after life? Just death? If we have nothing to look forward, then we might as well eat, drink and be merry right? WRONG
*When does a man die? Is it when he's shot in the heart with a pistol? NO
When he's stricken with a deadly disease? NO
When he eats soup made from a deadly mushroom? NO
Its when he is forgotten.*
Contribute to society. Make a BANG and make your mark! Don't let others forget you; make it so man will see in a whole new light, so that we can reach ever-more attainable heights. Let the people around you be influenced by you, (in the good way of course) shine brightly and let that light reflect long and far down the path of humanity, so that others can see that flame flicker still.
And so what if life sucks? Make it so your life DOESN'T suck! That's your job, to make your life, and those around you somewhat more bearable, so that you can die fat and happy. (by fat i mean well-fed not obese)
**With apologies to Eiichiro Oda (Altho' I doubt he's gonna read this =o)
Hmm, well here's the rundown on the past week or so:
flea market in Fremont (and got a cool letter opener :D),
Mom & Dad nagging me to study for finals,
frantically finishing homework at the last minute,
the three days of finals (and the awesome schedule that goes with it)
and just recently, a boring trip to a Chinese New Year's party (90% of everyone there was 60+)
and now we have a three-day weekend to look forward; well 2 day weekend now...
Well the last week just showed me up; the bright sun has cleared up my gloom =]
Altho' uneventful 'twas still enjoyable; just relaxation and finals. Now that they're over its a plus/minus. Plus: No more frantic studying, or worrying about grades; its a new semester!
Con: No more block schedule, so no more four hour days...
So the sunniness of the weather bodes well for the months to come, I hope.
Au contraire, even with finals being over, and sunny weather, WHY ARE PEOPLE EMO?!?!?!!
Being emo is SO overrated: Why hurt yourself? *Do not confuse being emo with being sad; being sad or miserable is perfectly fine as long as its not all or most of the time.*
Let's name 5 things you got:
1. Parents that give a damn about you
2. Food on the table
3. Be glad you're not livin' on the streets!
4. Be THANKFUL you ain't got cancer!
5. Awesome friends, clothes on your back, and an education.
I could name 95 more but I don't feel like it. =p I mean, seriously: EMO PPLZ, look at your life and compare it to a Darfur or Palestinian refugee, or a poor Peruvian farmer. Ain't it so much better? If you STILL feel emo, here's my number: 408 206 4247. I'm gonna shock it into non-existence! And seriously why do you hurt yourself? Do you get thrills from lacerating your arms and watching blood leak out of your skin? Or bashing your skull senseless against the wall?
NO that's not being emo, thats being a DUMB-ASS!
And by the way, suiciding is a lot harder than you think; oh sure, you wanna kill yourself, or shoot that guy who just pissed you off. But killing is a lot harder than you think, 'cuz you gots a conscience! That 'little voice inside'. And you do not know how it is to kill until you are ACTUALLY FACED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH SITUATION!! And thats when you realize how precious life is. One more thing, killing yourself doesnt erase the pain and suffering in you; it only passes it onto those who love and care for you: your family and friends.
Now that Rant 1 outta the way: Its RANDOM TOPIC SESSION. Aaaaand this random topic today is: CHEEEEEEZ! Cheese is made from sour milk, combined with rennet, then heated to high temperatures. It is then wrapped loosely and stored in an open-air place, with the air being cool and dry. And you know what happens next: it turns stinky and mold grows on it =o
For more information go to: www.cheese.com
What has two sides to it: both so different, like positive and negative, light and dark, yet both sides are part of the same whole? A coin. And people too. Hmm how can I put this..?
He/she has many friends, and is genuinely sociable, funny, and enjoyable to be around. But when confronted with someone that person does not know or does not feel comfortable with, they react with an unexpected hostility. Many people are like this, perhaps unknowingly. But try melding those two sides together, into a perfect sphere, and see what blossoms from that.
(If you don't know the people/person I am referring to, good =D)
Why, how, and when, do we grow up, to be mature? Society bounds us by laws and traditions, that one becomes an adult when they turn 16, or 18, depending on location. But when do we REALLY grow up? When, as they say, lose our innocence? When we realize that life ain't all its cracked up to be? Why? Because we must, to provide for our families, to realize a sense of understanding. How? As we encounter a life or death situation, or the passing of a loved one? Or any profound disaster, really.
Our parents influence that growth, too. They push us to become that doctor, or lawyer, ignoring our own dreams and repasts. They do it because themselves in us, so that if we become that surgeon, they will too. But we aren't them. Two pieces of a completely new and different whole. We search our own calling through the years, to seek and forge our own path, and along it, come to an understanding.
Society demands that we abide by their laws, and provide for society itself. But we are allowed to follow our own dreams, our ways, as long as in doing so it does not encroach on others'.
Now as for coming to an understanding that life is crappy, here are two quotes:
1. Life sucks. And then you die.
2. There are only two things certain in life: death and taxes.
So with such a gloomy outlook on things, what is there to hope for? (Of course we have religion and an after-life, hopefully, but asides that) What comes after life? Just death? If we have nothing to look forward, then we might as well eat, drink and be merry right? WRONG
*When does a man die? Is it when he's shot in the heart with a pistol? NO
When he's stricken with a deadly disease? NO
When he eats soup made from a deadly mushroom? NO
Its when he is forgotten.*
Contribute to society. Make a BANG and make your mark! Don't let others forget you; make it so man will see in a whole new light, so that we can reach ever-more attainable heights. Let the people around you be influenced by you, (in the good way of course) shine brightly and let that light reflect long and far down the path of humanity, so that others can see that flame flicker still.
And so what if life sucks? Make it so your life DOESN'T suck! That's your job, to make your life, and those around you somewhat more bearable, so that you can die fat and happy. (by fat i mean well-fed not obese)
**With apologies to Eiichiro Oda (Altho' I doubt he's gonna read this =o)
Thursday, January 8, 2009
A Dark Cloud Over 2009
Well I refused to get one, to sign up. To give in to peer pressure, to succumb to the crowds, but, my friend got me a Facebook. -.-
Since I caved that easily, I wonder how well I'll do to alcohol, drugs, and tobacco...
Annnnnd... Hurray! Next week is finals... And my teachers are giving so much homework this week, eeeyaaaagggh. On the bright side, I don't have to go to karate. ^^
I should start from the beginning, eh? Well after New Year's and a couple days later, I rejoined school. Where I felt nauseous and tired due to my internal clock used to sleeping at 12 AM and waking up at 12 PM, now suddenly moved to 10 PM and 7 AM... D=
To make matters worse, the days were dark, gloomy, and cloudy. (Of course after that it rained and then the sun broke today, but let me pout, OK?) And of course, the homework load...
I'm a fucking bastard. Reminiscing about 6th grade, I remember Anirudh Ramesh. I remember how mean I was to him, how I used him as a scapegoat for my frustration. How he tried to fit in yet we rejected him. How we scorned him, with no retaliation.
And I remember Akash, whom I hadn't defended from the teacher. Mrs. Hamstra actually "attacked" him about being a bully and to stop picking on other kids. But he wasn't a bully, not in the least. He broke down, crying. And I just sat there and watched, too chicken to defend a friend.
I'm also a stupid jack-ass, so foolish about the real world. I believe just knowing will get you ahead, that life is easy. What an idiot I am. The actual world, sure you know about it, but until you've experienced the real thing, it's like an epiphany, how cruel and sadistic life really is.
You can have it all, then lose it the next second. You are promoted, and then your company closes. You finally make friends, then you move. You can meet your true love, and she is killed.
And looking back at my previous post, yeah, its like really stupid-sappy. But I try to drive home this one thing: Hope. You can bomb a city, level its buildings, torture its citizens. But as long as they have this one thing, they will continue to try and live. They will grow and survive. What is this? Hope.
And what, may I ask, inspires you to continue trying, to hope?
But for me, sometimes Life is beyond hope. . .
Since I caved that easily, I wonder how well I'll do to alcohol, drugs, and tobacco...
Annnnnd... Hurray! Next week is finals... And my teachers are giving so much homework this week, eeeyaaaagggh. On the bright side, I don't have to go to karate. ^^
I should start from the beginning, eh? Well after New Year's and a couple days later, I rejoined school. Where I felt nauseous and tired due to my internal clock used to sleeping at 12 AM and waking up at 12 PM, now suddenly moved to 10 PM and 7 AM... D=
To make matters worse, the days were dark, gloomy, and cloudy. (Of course after that it rained and then the sun broke today, but let me pout, OK?) And of course, the homework load...
I'm a fucking bastard. Reminiscing about 6th grade, I remember Anirudh Ramesh. I remember how mean I was to him, how I used him as a scapegoat for my frustration. How he tried to fit in yet we rejected him. How we scorned him, with no retaliation.
And I remember Akash, whom I hadn't defended from the teacher. Mrs. Hamstra actually "attacked" him about being a bully and to stop picking on other kids. But he wasn't a bully, not in the least. He broke down, crying. And I just sat there and watched, too chicken to defend a friend.
I'm also a stupid jack-ass, so foolish about the real world. I believe just knowing will get you ahead, that life is easy. What an idiot I am. The actual world, sure you know about it, but until you've experienced the real thing, it's like an epiphany, how cruel and sadistic life really is.
You can have it all, then lose it the next second. You are promoted, and then your company closes. You finally make friends, then you move. You can meet your true love, and she is killed.
And looking back at my previous post, yeah, its like really stupid-sappy. But I try to drive home this one thing: Hope. You can bomb a city, level its buildings, torture its citizens. But as long as they have this one thing, they will continue to try and live. They will grow and survive. What is this? Hope.
And what, may I ask, inspires you to continue trying, to hope?
But for me, sometimes Life is beyond hope. . .
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Strut your stuff: Head held high, chin up, chest out: BE PROUD!
Yes, my title sounds like an excerpt from a sappy motivational book, I know. But as we resume school again (sadly) we're getting down, funked up, in the blues...
We're afraid of limits, of reaching the impossible, or trying and failure, of shame and humiliation, the laughter and embarrassment.
We dream of striving the unattainable, of grasping the extents of imagination, and turning it into reality; the hopes and thoughts of a philosopher, meshed and mixed, churned into life.
So, come on, as they say in Disney Channel "EXPRESS YOURSELF!" (LOL to that XD but you get my drift, I hope)
Break the constraints of your mind, unleash that inner spirit, be different! Don't go with the flow, make your own.
HOW?!
Don't be shut up all the time, let what you've got out! Not only with friends, to all those near and around you, let that infectious spirit tide over all. Like seeds in fertile soil, it'll germinate and grow. It can infect and spread, shedding laughter and joy everywhere, breaking the monotony of the cycle of life.
Take a deep breath, and close your eyes. See in that vision of imagination, and inspire those around you. Sing in the rain, help a stranger, hang out with different people, get out of your circle of familiarity! Heck, throw off your clothes and dance under moonlight! (OK scratch that last part; the police will fine you for misorderly conduct)
As we enter 2009, unleash those shackles, and let it all out.
So. Strut your stuff: Head held high, chin up, chest out and about, and let that inner music ring.
We're afraid of limits, of reaching the impossible, or trying and failure, of shame and humiliation, the laughter and embarrassment.
We dream of striving the unattainable, of grasping the extents of imagination, and turning it into reality; the hopes and thoughts of a philosopher, meshed and mixed, churned into life.
So, come on, as they say in Disney Channel "EXPRESS YOURSELF!" (LOL to that XD but you get my drift, I hope)
Break the constraints of your mind, unleash that inner spirit, be different! Don't go with the flow, make your own.
HOW?!
Don't be shut up all the time, let what you've got out! Not only with friends, to all those near and around you, let that infectious spirit tide over all. Like seeds in fertile soil, it'll germinate and grow. It can infect and spread, shedding laughter and joy everywhere, breaking the monotony of the cycle of life.
Take a deep breath, and close your eyes. See in that vision of imagination, and inspire those around you. Sing in the rain, help a stranger, hang out with different people, get out of your circle of familiarity! Heck, throw off your clothes and dance under moonlight! (OK scratch that last part; the police will fine you for misorderly conduct)
As we enter 2009, unleash those shackles, and let it all out.
So. Strut your stuff: Head held high, chin up, chest out and about, and let that inner music ring.
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